[General] My Busy Weekend
Nov. 21st, 2005 07:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trooper6Wow. It was a busy weekend.
Saturday I performed at Trans/giving...and did the same on Sunday afternoon (everlasting thanks to my rock star guitar player--even sans pleather pants). After the Sunday show, I went directly to the Transgender Day of Remembrance, where I had been asked to speak as a community leader. That was pretty emotional and intense. Actually the whole weekend was emotional and intense.
At the Saturday night show, the last number of the set was a song I wrote called "Amanda." It is an instrumental I wrote for an ex of mine. I wrote it shortly after she broke up with me...in that fleeting space where things were still unclear. Anyway...while I was playing the song...trying to put as much of myself into the playing of this piece as I could (that and trying not to mess up this Keith-style G melodic run that spans the entire fretboard I have to play twice)...and halfway through the song I realized tears were streaming down my face. All of a sudden I was filled with intense emotion. The strains of the song just overcame me and swept me up into it--my heart beating in my throat...hard to breath. I don't know how the audience received that particular song...but gosh...it took me aback that I was so upset. Especially considering the whole break up was what? Hanukkah of 1997...so that was eight years ago. And trust me, I got over that one a long time ago. But I suppose playing that tune, surrounded by the energy of the crowd, in that special environment--the vulnerability you can only have with strangers...I was transported back to January of 1998. It was an important and amazing moment for me. Reminded of the personal power of music...I don't know how much the audience got...but I suppose on one level, that isn't as important as the fact that that song still had the ability to make me cry.
Afterwards so many people wanted to talk to me...too many people. I felt too pulled in too many directions. I felt like I needed to be a polite guest...like handshaking is required...but too many hands needed shaking...it seemed I never finished a conversation...always trying to be gracious and answer people's questions and be there to listen to people as they told me things important to them...but there were too many people for me to give my full concentration to each individual...then people were wanting to compliment me on the show...which I hate. It was a bunch of madness. I miss the days when you'd stay backstage. Go onstage, perform, return backstage, tear down, leave and eat greasy diner food/Italian food with the band/cast. I don't particularly like interacting with audiences after the show is over--especially when people want to have extended deep conversations with you...and they look so deflated when you can't give that to them.
The Sunday show was less populated. I didn't think the audience was as high energy...but then, as was pointed out to me, it was a matinee show. I have been told that people liked it...so that's cool. In both shows I had the chance to share the stage with some really cool people...who knows...this may lead to expanded opportunities for me on the tranny performance circuit. That would be cool. I was glad to have met STS and AM especially.
I wonder if anyone will send me copies of the photos taken from the show?
Sunday. DOR was intense. There were some amazing speakers. Just phenomenal. Sitting there in the MCC...I was aware of being a part of a history...a part of a community...it was good...it was good feeling connected...I so often feel quite disconnected to be honest--despite the work and volunteerism I do--this alienation comes from a lot of varied factors--from general FtM invisibility in the greater trans community and most activist organizations in LA focusing on the needs of transwomen, to my not being comfortable with the only LA FtM Group FtM Alliance because of stuff that happened a while ago. Anyway, it was nice to be in the church with all these different facets of the community...even if the reason for coming together was to honor, mourn, and remember the trans people murdered over the past year. The reading of the names of the murdered was very moving.
Afterwards we marched to Matthew Shepard Square in support of the California Bill AB1160 which would eliminate the use of the "Panic Defense." I gave my speech at the square. It was a great honor to be asked. That made me feel very good. Even if the person who introduced me didn't even know who I was...at least she pronounced my first name correctly. And while she didn't know who I was, folks in the audience did and I think my speech was well received. But that the person introducing me didn't even take a few minutes to find out who I was so she could introduce me as someone other than just random transdude would have been nice--same thing with the guy who spoke after me--though he had the presence of mind to introduce himself...I didn't! Heaven know lots of folks probably still wonder who that random me was. This coupled with the fact that two undergrad UCLA groups had organized a series of Day of Remembrance events...and they never contacted me about it at all (I'm the current facilitator of UCLA Transbruins in case anyone wonders why I'd be bothered that they didn't contact me), left me feeling quite complicated by weekend's end.
Anyway, here is a picture from the Day of Remembrance of me that I think is pretty good. Although I wonder why I've been constantly photographed in profile of late. I really love the sign that is by my feet. For those sartorially concerned, the reason I was wearing jeans, was because I had to transform myself from Banjo Rocker to Solemn Speaker without the benefit of a costume change...so...the Suit Jacket was my only means of transformation.
Well, this entry has been overly long. And I daresay not very interesting for people who aren't me. So time to wrap it up.
Saturday I performed at Trans/giving...and did the same on Sunday afternoon (everlasting thanks to my rock star guitar player--even sans pleather pants). After the Sunday show, I went directly to the Transgender Day of Remembrance, where I had been asked to speak as a community leader. That was pretty emotional and intense. Actually the whole weekend was emotional and intense.
At the Saturday night show, the last number of the set was a song I wrote called "Amanda." It is an instrumental I wrote for an ex of mine. I wrote it shortly after she broke up with me...in that fleeting space where things were still unclear. Anyway...while I was playing the song...trying to put as much of myself into the playing of this piece as I could (that and trying not to mess up this Keith-style G melodic run that spans the entire fretboard I have to play twice)...and halfway through the song I realized tears were streaming down my face. All of a sudden I was filled with intense emotion. The strains of the song just overcame me and swept me up into it--my heart beating in my throat...hard to breath. I don't know how the audience received that particular song...but gosh...it took me aback that I was so upset. Especially considering the whole break up was what? Hanukkah of 1997...so that was eight years ago. And trust me, I got over that one a long time ago. But I suppose playing that tune, surrounded by the energy of the crowd, in that special environment--the vulnerability you can only have with strangers...I was transported back to January of 1998. It was an important and amazing moment for me. Reminded of the personal power of music...I don't know how much the audience got...but I suppose on one level, that isn't as important as the fact that that song still had the ability to make me cry.
Afterwards so many people wanted to talk to me...too many people. I felt too pulled in too many directions. I felt like I needed to be a polite guest...like handshaking is required...but too many hands needed shaking...it seemed I never finished a conversation...always trying to be gracious and answer people's questions and be there to listen to people as they told me things important to them...but there were too many people for me to give my full concentration to each individual...then people were wanting to compliment me on the show...which I hate. It was a bunch of madness. I miss the days when you'd stay backstage. Go onstage, perform, return backstage, tear down, leave and eat greasy diner food/Italian food with the band/cast. I don't particularly like interacting with audiences after the show is over--especially when people want to have extended deep conversations with you...and they look so deflated when you can't give that to them.
The Sunday show was less populated. I didn't think the audience was as high energy...but then, as was pointed out to me, it was a matinee show. I have been told that people liked it...so that's cool. In both shows I had the chance to share the stage with some really cool people...who knows...this may lead to expanded opportunities for me on the tranny performance circuit. That would be cool. I was glad to have met STS and AM especially.
I wonder if anyone will send me copies of the photos taken from the show?
Sunday. DOR was intense. There were some amazing speakers. Just phenomenal. Sitting there in the MCC...I was aware of being a part of a history...a part of a community...it was good...it was good feeling connected...I so often feel quite disconnected to be honest--despite the work and volunteerism I do--this alienation comes from a lot of varied factors--from general FtM invisibility in the greater trans community and most activist organizations in LA focusing on the needs of transwomen, to my not being comfortable with the only LA FtM Group FtM Alliance because of stuff that happened a while ago. Anyway, it was nice to be in the church with all these different facets of the community...even if the reason for coming together was to honor, mourn, and remember the trans people murdered over the past year. The reading of the names of the murdered was very moving.
Afterwards we marched to Matthew Shepard Square in support of the California Bill AB1160 which would eliminate the use of the "Panic Defense." I gave my speech at the square. It was a great honor to be asked. That made me feel very good. Even if the person who introduced me didn't even know who I was...at least she pronounced my first name correctly. And while she didn't know who I was, folks in the audience did and I think my speech was well received. But that the person introducing me didn't even take a few minutes to find out who I was so she could introduce me as someone other than just random transdude would have been nice--same thing with the guy who spoke after me--though he had the presence of mind to introduce himself...I didn't! Heaven know lots of folks probably still wonder who that random me was. This coupled with the fact that two undergrad UCLA groups had organized a series of Day of Remembrance events...and they never contacted me about it at all (I'm the current facilitator of UCLA Transbruins in case anyone wonders why I'd be bothered that they didn't contact me), left me feeling quite complicated by weekend's end.
Anyway, here is a picture from the Day of Remembrance of me that I think is pretty good. Although I wonder why I've been constantly photographed in profile of late. I really love the sign that is by my feet. For those sartorially concerned, the reason I was wearing jeans, was because I had to transform myself from Banjo Rocker to Solemn Speaker without the benefit of a costume change...so...the Suit Jacket was my only means of transformation.
Well, this entry has been overly long. And I daresay not very interesting for people who aren't me. So time to wrap it up.
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no subject
Date: 2005-11-22 05:18 pm (UTC)What complicated feelings do you have about DOR? On second thought, don't tell me on teh internets...I'll ask you in person.