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Musings on Identity
Aug. 15th, 2003 09:46 pmMusings on minority identity
Warning Deep Thoughts
What does it mean to identify as something?
Lesbian, Gay, Black, Fat, Leather, etc...
These are identities that get you oppressed, kicked out of your home, beaten, killed.
These identities are more than just something you do....they become part of you, they are a whole culture, and I think they become larger than you. They can become your salvation or your straight jacket...perhaps.
What am I even talking about? Lesbian identity. But I think it applies to many other things as well. Let me explain...or try to at least (and in the process procrastinate on my studies...oooh).
I didn't have a sexual identity until after I joined the Army. That's when I realized I liked women. So I came into the community of Army dykes. I remember, as I first fell into the community, I felt a momentary sense of apprehension. Was I really a lesbian? Well, I liked women...so I suppose that must mean so (I didn't know I wasn't a woman). And then I was in this community. I lived before don't ask/don't tell, I lived after don't ask/don't tell. I lived through undercover cops, I had friends jailed, friends kicked out. Almost every night I'd go over to T's place and a bunch of us would hang out, play spades, listen to Wynonna and talk smack. I learned the music (Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, etc), the culture, the lingo, the clothes, the everything. Anywhere I went in the world, I had a built in group of pals, a group of pals who would do anything to protect me, a group of pals I would do anything to protect, a group of pals who all had similar experiences as I. I could say, "Hey, the Red Bandana in San Angelo?" They'd say, "Oh yeah, never went there!" Or (true story), I'd say "Hey you were in Korea 91-92? Did you go to the Softball tournament in Yongsan? You did? Do you remember the hot shortstop from the Marine team from Okinawa?" Of course, this woman I'd never met before in my life knew exactly the shortstop I was talking about. My time, my history, is written in the CD's in my music case, the books on my shelf, the videos near my TV, and...as I realized as I let C look at the comic books I've published, my creative endeavours. So, now I'm transitioned, and I've lost all of that. When some lesbian asks me what music I like and I say "Indigo Girls"-- I don't get that look of recognition anymore. I'm no longer part of that culture. I've lost the presentness of my past. It was hard to deal with. Not easy. Hard. Painful. But I processed...worked through it. I had to. I had to mourn and move on. I didn't really have a choice on one level. Every once in a while I miss it. But I had to be true to myself...as Polonius advised. Now I find myself looking warily (and in some ways becoming a part of) the straight culture that I was oppressed by for over a decade. It is not very comfortable. And I can't let go of the queer community. I find research interests lingering.
All of this, however, is background for my current thoughts. It's not actually about me. It's about others. Kinsey said most people are bisexual. So what if you invest all of this time and history in becoming part of a wonderful community, you deal with the trauma of coming out to your family and your friends and on and on....and then you fall for someone who would invalidate that hard-fought identity. Do you let that attraction go? Do you act on it and lose your community? What a hard question huh? What if you are in the akward position of being that person/catalyst that might cause someone to come into conflict with the community that is so important to them?
I think if people choose community, culture and history over attraction....well, who's to blame them? But it becomes an interesting question over what it means to be a lesbian/gay/etc. There are men who have sex with men who don't id as gay. There were 70's political lesbians--women who didn't actually like having sex with women, but id'd as lesbian anyway. There are those women who id as lesbians but sometimes sleep with men--or often sleep with men. There are those, like my male roommate, who identify as bisexual, but would never ever dream of sleeping with man--he just wants to get cool bisexual cred without having to deal with the biphobia that so many of my friends have had to deal with. Then there's me--I have the history and the culture...but I don't have the sexuality...anymore...though, I still do think that lesbians and biwomen are way hotter than straight women.
Anyway. Long weird musings from my brain.
3 things I love:
The Wire, The Dixie Chicks, Playing Spades with Army Dykes while listening to Wynonna drinking wine coolers and talking big smack. Anyone play spades?
Warning Deep Thoughts
What does it mean to identify as something?
Lesbian, Gay, Black, Fat, Leather, etc...
These are identities that get you oppressed, kicked out of your home, beaten, killed.
These identities are more than just something you do....they become part of you, they are a whole culture, and I think they become larger than you. They can become your salvation or your straight jacket...perhaps.
What am I even talking about? Lesbian identity. But I think it applies to many other things as well. Let me explain...or try to at least (and in the process procrastinate on my studies...oooh).
I didn't have a sexual identity until after I joined the Army. That's when I realized I liked women. So I came into the community of Army dykes. I remember, as I first fell into the community, I felt a momentary sense of apprehension. Was I really a lesbian? Well, I liked women...so I suppose that must mean so (I didn't know I wasn't a woman). And then I was in this community. I lived before don't ask/don't tell, I lived after don't ask/don't tell. I lived through undercover cops, I had friends jailed, friends kicked out. Almost every night I'd go over to T's place and a bunch of us would hang out, play spades, listen to Wynonna and talk smack. I learned the music (Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, k.d. lang, etc), the culture, the lingo, the clothes, the everything. Anywhere I went in the world, I had a built in group of pals, a group of pals who would do anything to protect me, a group of pals I would do anything to protect, a group of pals who all had similar experiences as I. I could say, "Hey, the Red Bandana in San Angelo?" They'd say, "Oh yeah, never went there!" Or (true story), I'd say "Hey you were in Korea 91-92? Did you go to the Softball tournament in Yongsan? You did? Do you remember the hot shortstop from the Marine team from Okinawa?" Of course, this woman I'd never met before in my life knew exactly the shortstop I was talking about. My time, my history, is written in the CD's in my music case, the books on my shelf, the videos near my TV, and...as I realized as I let C look at the comic books I've published, my creative endeavours. So, now I'm transitioned, and I've lost all of that. When some lesbian asks me what music I like and I say "Indigo Girls"-- I don't get that look of recognition anymore. I'm no longer part of that culture. I've lost the presentness of my past. It was hard to deal with. Not easy. Hard. Painful. But I processed...worked through it. I had to. I had to mourn and move on. I didn't really have a choice on one level. Every once in a while I miss it. But I had to be true to myself...as Polonius advised. Now I find myself looking warily (and in some ways becoming a part of) the straight culture that I was oppressed by for over a decade. It is not very comfortable. And I can't let go of the queer community. I find research interests lingering.
All of this, however, is background for my current thoughts. It's not actually about me. It's about others. Kinsey said most people are bisexual. So what if you invest all of this time and history in becoming part of a wonderful community, you deal with the trauma of coming out to your family and your friends and on and on....and then you fall for someone who would invalidate that hard-fought identity. Do you let that attraction go? Do you act on it and lose your community? What a hard question huh? What if you are in the akward position of being that person/catalyst that might cause someone to come into conflict with the community that is so important to them?
I think if people choose community, culture and history over attraction....well, who's to blame them? But it becomes an interesting question over what it means to be a lesbian/gay/etc. There are men who have sex with men who don't id as gay. There were 70's political lesbians--women who didn't actually like having sex with women, but id'd as lesbian anyway. There are those women who id as lesbians but sometimes sleep with men--or often sleep with men. There are those, like my male roommate, who identify as bisexual, but would never ever dream of sleeping with man--he just wants to get cool bisexual cred without having to deal with the biphobia that so many of my friends have had to deal with. Then there's me--I have the history and the culture...but I don't have the sexuality...anymore...though, I still do think that lesbians and biwomen are way hotter than straight women.
Anyway. Long weird musings from my brain.
3 things I love:
The Wire, The Dixie Chicks, Playing Spades with Army Dykes while listening to Wynonna drinking wine coolers and talking big smack. Anyone play spades?
