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Okay, I am really a Cancer
Aug. 17th, 2003 02:18 pmI think I might be depressed. Well, as much as a person like me can be depressed anyway. I mean, if you asked me, "Are you depressed?" I'd say no. I've got lots of goodness in my life, and I'm feeling pretty fine. But there's one thing. And I think I've been able to push it off for a while...but I don't think I can anymore. It's causing me trouble in my life, and I think it's because I'm really a Cancer...no matter how much I deny it sometimes. Perhaps rather than depressed, a better word is: distracted, disquieted, disturbed, distressed.
Really this whole post is about how much of a Cancer I am, even though my Sun is the only planet I have in Cancer and my rising is Aquarius and my moon is Libra and my Mercury and Mars are Leo....despite all of that...at my fundamental core, I am a Cancer. And my Cancerness is rearing it's head, and I can no longer avoid it.
So what's this about? My roommate.
I have a lot to do over the summer. And none...NONE of it has been done yet. I try to sit down in my room to work and I can't. I just can't concentrate on my studies...and I REALLY need to get this stuff done. But I can't. I just can't get it started. And now my lease is up in less than two weeks and I need to find a new apartment to live in. I'm having a hard time getting that together too. Like today, I missed my appointment to view an apartment. I fell like I have no plan. It's beginning to be maddening. This isn't like me. Plus, my stomach is bothering me quite a bit. Yesterday I went to Knott's Berry Farm with C, which was great, but before we had to leave, I started having stomach problems.
Here's my analysis:
I was okay before I started hanging out with C. What happened? I think it is a combination of two things. Since I've started hanging out with C, my roommate's behaviour has become increasing hostile in his passive-aggressive way. But this is also the first time I've slept outside of my apartment (with the exception of the two days I stayed with J and R because I got locked out of my house--but I don't count that because my roommate wasn't home). Cancers do not operate well when their home is not in order. The situation with my roommate is seriously not in order. But I don't think I really was able to realize it while I was always in the apartment. These last few weeks I've had the chance to sleep somewhere not filled with agrression and negative energy (mind you, C's has the minor stress that I have to skulk around avoiding her mother--but that seems so much nicer than my roommate at the moment--I imagine that it will get old at some time--but I'll deal with that when/if it gets old). Everytime I'm at C's and I think about having to go back home, a get filled with a feeling of dread...I never had those feelings this strongly before--but I also never had an option. Second thing--Cancer rules over the stomach and the breasts. I read that Cancers are prone to stomach problems when they are upset/unsettled. I rarely have stomach problems...and now, I'm freqently having stomach problems. Nothing that I can put a finger on...and say, wow, I'd better go see a doctor, cuz I'm having the same pain...or whatever. More like, boom, stomach wierdness...then it goes away, then some different stomach wierdness happens, then another...and thinking back on it, it all starts happening when I realize that I have to go home at some point (even if that's not the active thought).
So, it looks like my home life has gotten worse and it is interferring with my ability to be productive and it is wearing me down and it is causing stress weirdness with my stomach. So what do I do? Well, maybe I can go and study in a library or something. That might get my studying done. As for the roommate, I'll just have to find a new home...maybe I can move in really soon...earlier than the end of the month I mean. I just have to find a new place...and that stresses me out too. Sigh. I just want this home stuff taken care of. Really. I want a place that is my home, haven, Cancer safety place. A place where I don't have to be afraid to leave my room, a place where I don't have to be afraid my roommate might be home, a place were I can relax and not always have the terrible oppressive cloud all over me. Wow. My home situation is really bad. I wasn't aware.
Ah, as Shawn Colvin sang "If it were not for music, then I would not get through."
Really this whole post is about how much of a Cancer I am, even though my Sun is the only planet I have in Cancer and my rising is Aquarius and my moon is Libra and my Mercury and Mars are Leo....despite all of that...at my fundamental core, I am a Cancer. And my Cancerness is rearing it's head, and I can no longer avoid it.
So what's this about? My roommate.
I have a lot to do over the summer. And none...NONE of it has been done yet. I try to sit down in my room to work and I can't. I just can't concentrate on my studies...and I REALLY need to get this stuff done. But I can't. I just can't get it started. And now my lease is up in less than two weeks and I need to find a new apartment to live in. I'm having a hard time getting that together too. Like today, I missed my appointment to view an apartment. I fell like I have no plan. It's beginning to be maddening. This isn't like me. Plus, my stomach is bothering me quite a bit. Yesterday I went to Knott's Berry Farm with C, which was great, but before we had to leave, I started having stomach problems.
Here's my analysis:
I was okay before I started hanging out with C. What happened? I think it is a combination of two things. Since I've started hanging out with C, my roommate's behaviour has become increasing hostile in his passive-aggressive way. But this is also the first time I've slept outside of my apartment (with the exception of the two days I stayed with J and R because I got locked out of my house--but I don't count that because my roommate wasn't home). Cancers do not operate well when their home is not in order. The situation with my roommate is seriously not in order. But I don't think I really was able to realize it while I was always in the apartment. These last few weeks I've had the chance to sleep somewhere not filled with agrression and negative energy (mind you, C's has the minor stress that I have to skulk around avoiding her mother--but that seems so much nicer than my roommate at the moment--I imagine that it will get old at some time--but I'll deal with that when/if it gets old). Everytime I'm at C's and I think about having to go back home, a get filled with a feeling of dread...I never had those feelings this strongly before--but I also never had an option. Second thing--Cancer rules over the stomach and the breasts. I read that Cancers are prone to stomach problems when they are upset/unsettled. I rarely have stomach problems...and now, I'm freqently having stomach problems. Nothing that I can put a finger on...and say, wow, I'd better go see a doctor, cuz I'm having the same pain...or whatever. More like, boom, stomach wierdness...then it goes away, then some different stomach wierdness happens, then another...and thinking back on it, it all starts happening when I realize that I have to go home at some point (even if that's not the active thought).
So, it looks like my home life has gotten worse and it is interferring with my ability to be productive and it is wearing me down and it is causing stress weirdness with my stomach. So what do I do? Well, maybe I can go and study in a library or something. That might get my studying done. As for the roommate, I'll just have to find a new home...maybe I can move in really soon...earlier than the end of the month I mean. I just have to find a new place...and that stresses me out too. Sigh. I just want this home stuff taken care of. Really. I want a place that is my home, haven, Cancer safety place. A place where I don't have to be afraid to leave my room, a place where I don't have to be afraid my roommate might be home, a place were I can relax and not always have the terrible oppressive cloud all over me. Wow. My home situation is really bad. I wasn't aware.
Ah, as Shawn Colvin sang "If it were not for music, then I would not get through."
